ILLNESS: mental

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Metal against metal with hot edges and cold hints–are they talking about me?

My mind is in fast forward as I laugh at fools laughing at me–is something burning?

I know they see me, they talk to me while I sleep, I can hear them moving about my room with light steps and smelly clothes–did you hear that?

My head is full sand that shifts when the wind blows and sometimes it spills out and my neighbor helps me with that–somebody’s coming, get down.

Hot gases travel through my veins and up my back signaling the other me is about to come forward and speak–they think me crazy.

Dim lights and hot bulbs dance about my brain trying to make me think it’s morning, I know morning and this is not morning–stop touching me.

I used to be malice in wonderland, but I figured this would be better– I climb trees backwards.

This grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but it’s painted–I can fly.

I have grown

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I have become my shelter from this storm, my legs have become strong, I can stand on my own.

My horizons no longer hold smoke and ruins, broken things and deflated dreams and bricked up ego, in it’s place are green grass and open space in which to build and develop the little boy that never got off of his knees.

No more waiting for hand outs and allowance, gone is the surrender of power to the undeserving, the belittling of self in accordance to ankle deep social criterion was last night.

Gone is never knowing when to laugh or cry, grey skies now threaten inclement weather and not deep holes from in which to climb out.

Weakness is no longer a character flaw, but a select moment in time when strength is not needed.

I am more than collection of body parts acting as one, I am a son, a cousin, a nephew, a friend, a mate, a thinker. I am a visionary with hopes of leaving this place for the next, I am the wind.

Though battle worn I be war ready, my weapons are thought and passion, my defense is knowing I have looked at death and it no longer controls.

The love of life is something I have never known and still not fully realized, but I still continue to get up and carry on and in that, I have grown.

My heart stopped beating today

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My heart stopped beating today

Clouds passed over to pay their respects

Even the trees slumped in remembrance of me

My eyes fixed and crusted by exposure

My mouth is dry and my tongue is swelling

I was so tired of breathing air meant for someone else

If this life is mine why can’t I give it away

My heart stopped beating years ago anger was the only thing that kept me from laying down

I hated to see sun come up

My gut was filled with empty heads and staring eyes the quick and the dead

I was locked in endless daydream and blinding ignorance

The only way out was in through bolted doors and booby trapped self help

All I recognized were partners in misery

My heart stopped beating today and I feel no better

The grass has already started to grow under me

This world does not stop to mourn

The animals will come in search of a meal

Ashes to ashes and all

My lungs worked as life support for a empty husk

My legs carried me from one disappointment to the next

My hands failed me this should have happened sooner

My mouth was a tool of destruction to innocents

Down trodden and heavy laden was my lullaby

My heart stopped beating today but my pain hasn’t

I WANT MY LIFE REVIEW