“depression is something that makes you lose your sight” Michael Schenker
“depression is the inability to construct a future” Rollo May
“depression is rage spread thin” George Santanyana
“Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind.” James Hillman
“the best thing for being sad is to learn something” T.H. White
“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” Barbara Kingsolver
“……untreated depression is as terminal as the worse cancer……” hunglikejesus
As many of you can surely tell, I’m no writer, but decided I had something to say. The blog has the name of my most consistent partner and muse. I haven’t talked about this friend of mine in some time now. Trust me when I tell you, this friend of mine is never too far away and reminds me from which I came. Though my suffering is mainly behind me, there is always the an open invite to those days. Mine you see, is a chemical imbalance and it’ll be with me until I’m out of here. Diet and exercise are my medicines of choice and of course the proper amount of sleep.
The suicidal mind is one that has reached the end of it’s line. It has convinced itself that life would be better if it didn’t happen here. The suicidal mind thinks it’s the only one that feels the way it does. It isolates itself out of not knowing what else to do and so that no one will find out that it is very sick. This mind has skewed it’s reality so much that nothing is real and therefore nothing matters. This mind has resolved itself to the fact that life will get no better and checking out now will save time and misery. The suicidal mind turns in on itself until it becomes the only voice that it hears. It’s sight becomes very clear or so it thinks. Tunnel vision does not mean clarity.
That mind was/is my mine. I have controlled those thoughts for the most part, and I am able to recognize triggers and sidestep them. Again, I have a chemical imbalance and sometimes no matter what depression will strike, and you sink deeper than the last episode. I no longer have those same suicidal thoughts, but my brain has been rewired and now death is a fascination for me. I’m very curious about what happens after; I’ve read several books on near death experiences. I’ve read books on how other cultures view death and what other religions think of death. Death consumed me for a while , but I’m not looking to see for myself any time soon.
What I really want to do with myself and this blog is to let others know that depression is not the end of the world. You can live with it and even beat it. It’s a bitch most days in this battle, but the keyword here is “days”. Each day you stay alive is a day you can still get better and have a life. Beating depression is not like setting fire to the rain, but it ain’t easy either. The thing that helped me most was talking, talking, talking and then talk some more. When you purge you physically feel the weight lifted somewhat. If you happen to be introverted and cripplingly shy like myself, talking is almost out of the question, but you got to step outside yourself to save yourself.
If you notice in the photo that accompany’s this post and the one in my header, my head is down. Well, that’s me, that’s my personality in a nutshell for sure. I looked back at some older photos of myself through the years and guess what? My head is down a lot. I had to get past that, past my brooding self, past my introspection. I had to get out of my head for a while to get myself some help. You can step outside for a while and get some help as well, then maybe you can retreat a bit until that retreat become less and less necessary.
30,000 people die by their own hands in America a year, and 750,000 attempts. So please don’t think for a split second that you are alone in this. If you reach out it’s not only your life you save, but you save the lives of everyone that would have been adversely affected by your decision to end it. Depressed and suicidal people are amongst the strongest people around. We can get up every single day knowing that the day is gonna suck no matter what. We are some of the best actors. Do you know anyone that’s really depressed? Multiply that by 2 and that’s probably the real number because we are such good actors when we need to be, and you’ll would never know we are in deep pain.
A few years ago one of my first cousins killed himself. When I heard that it blew me back on my heels, literally. After the initial shock I got extremely angry at him for such a selfish act of escapism. It never dawned on me that I was really pissed off because he beat me to it. His mother, my aunt was catatonic for a long time after that. How could I go ahead and take my life and have my family rocked by suicide a second time? I couldn’t, and I didn’t but I wanted to and I fantasized about almost everyday. In essence I didn’t want to die, I wanted to not hurt. I wanted my appetite back, I wanted to enjoy the sunshine again, I wanted relief from my brain that would never stop running at full speed. I wanted life and certainly not death.
I consider myself extremely strong now, and I know there is nothing put before me that I can’t handle. If you or someone you know is going through this very cruel illness please reach out to that person or find that person help.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: http://www.afsp.org
Suicide Prevention for American Students: http://www.emorycaresforyou.emory.edu/emory_student_communities/africanamerican.html
Suicide Forum: http://www.suicideforum.com/
The depression Forum: http://www.takethislife.com/
talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.
Checkout this beautiful song as you read:
I can’t see you, but your glow still illuminates the very best of me.
A sprinkling of your affection has me, I can’t keep still, and the way up is forgotten.
The cracks in my heart radiate inward and pulls in the very worst of me. You fix me and the healing begins.
Without you my words stop and pile up and spill over and are wasted.
Her lines of sweetness are missed and bitter loneliness sneaks in and corrupts I.
One more day without her, then worlds would collide and stars burnout, gravity is no more, we draft away.
I miss her and my heart continues to crack and radiate inward.
Her morning voice was always dusty and succulent, it drips from her mouth and quenched my lust. Her sheets offer no barrier to my instinct, but I don’t move in.
Though not with me I carry her still, the weight of her memory strengthens me. Her depreciation is none.
And she stole the colors from my world and she stole the breath from my mouth leaving me with a bland existent grasping for air.
Without her I live, but with her I have life.
she knows who she is
I hope you can find yourself some joy today. And if not these will lead you in the right direction.
I won’t bother to tell you the name of my planet, your tongue could never form the sounds. Our is a planet in tidal lock, we live on the dark side where all the good ones live. We never see our sun, but never lose faith that it’s there.
I’ve never been to the other side, but we hear it’s just as nice; maybe different. We have three moons that orbit us. The largest one we call the Father is always in the same spot and reflects light from our sun. We are bathed in a constant twilight, a light we call Faith. We are the people of light, and we live on the dark side of our planet. The darkness is just an illusion.
We are taught that souls from other systems come here to rest after long life lessons. So I guess this could be what you call heaven or some such place. We just call it home on the dark side where the good people are. The reason I tell you this is because I have grown tired of souls coming here beat up with self doubt and no hope. I tell you this so that you know your journey is for a reason.
So that you know a lesson learned is a lesson held. So that maybe when you’re at your lowest you can look up and see Faith and understand that the Father will soon be next to you. So that you know that this is for a reason and that reason is never always clear.
I live on a planet far away, I won’t bother to tell you the name but you speak it when you’re enveloped in joy. Have joy. You speak it when you sleep and your soul flyes. Away try to fly. You speak it when you see children playing. Innocents are never lost. You speak it when the creator touches you. Reach out and be touched.