The Suicidal Mind

26 Sep


“depression is something that makes you lose your sight” Michael Schenker

“depression is the inability to construct a future” Rollo May

“depression is rage spread thin” George Santanyana

“Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind.” James Hillman

“the best thing for being sad is to learn something” T.H. White

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” Barbara Kingsolver

“……untreated depression is as terminal as the worse cancer……”  hunglikejesus

As many of you can surely tell, I’m no writer, but decided I had something to say. The blog has the name of my most consistent partner and muse. I haven’t talked about this friend of mine in some time now. Trust me when I tell you, this friend of mine is never too far away and reminds me from which I came. Though my suffering is mainly behind me, there is always the an open invite to those days. Mine you see, is a chemical imbalance and it’ll be with me until I’m out of here. Diet and exercise are my medicines of choice and of course the proper amount of sleep.

The suicidal mind is one that has reached the end of it’s line. It has convinced itself that life would be better if it didn’t happen here. The suicidal mind thinks it’s the only one that feels the way it does. It isolates itself out of not knowing what else to do and so that no one will find out that it is very sick. This mind has skewed it’s reality so much that nothing is real and therefore nothing matters. This mind has resolved itself to the fact that life will get no better and checking out now will save time and misery. The suicidal mind turns in on itself until it becomes the only voice that it hears. It’s sight becomes very clear or so it thinks. Tunnel vision does not mean clarity.

That mind was/is my mine. I have controlled those thoughts for the most part, and I am able to recognize triggers and sidestep them. Again, I have a chemical imbalance and sometimes no matter what depression will strike, and you sink deeper than the last episode. I no longer have those same suicidal thoughts, but my brain has been rewired and now death is a fascination for me. I’m very curious about what happens after; I’ve read several books on near death experiences. I’ve read books on how other cultures view death and what other religions think of death. Death consumed me for a while , but I’m not looking to see for myself any time soon.

What I really want to do with myself and this blog is to let others know that depression is not the end of the world. You can live with it and even beat it. It’s a bitch most days in this battle, but the keyword here is “days”. Each day you stay alive is a day you can still get better and have a life. Beating depression is not like setting fire to the rain, but it ain’t easy either. The thing that helped me most was talking, talking, talking and then talk some more. When you purge you physically feel the weight lifted somewhat. If you happen to be introverted and cripplingly shy like myself, talking is almost out of the question, but you got to step outside yourself to save yourself.

If you notice in the photo that accompany’s this post and the one in my header, my head is down. Well, that’s me, that’s my personality in a nutshell for sure. I looked back at some older photos of myself through the years and guess what? My head is down a lot. I had to get past that, past my brooding self, past my introspection. I had to get out of my head for a while to get myself some help. You can step outside for a while and get some help as well, then maybe you can retreat a bit until that retreat become less and less necessary.

30,000 people die by their own hands in America a year, and 750,000 attempts. So please don’t think for a split second that you are alone in this. If you reach out it’s not only your life you save, but you save the lives of everyone that would have been adversely affected by your decision to end it. Depressed and suicidal people are amongst the strongest people around. We can get up every single day knowing that the day is gonna suck no matter what. We are some of the best actors. Do you know anyone that’s really depressed? Multiply that by 2 and that’s probably the real number because we are such good actors when we need to be, and you’ll would never know we are in deep pain.

A few years ago one of my first cousins killed himself. When I heard that it blew me back on my heels, literally. After the initial shock I got extremely angry at him for such a selfish act of escapism. It never dawned on me that I was really pissed off because he beat me to it. His mother, my aunt was catatonic for a long time after that. How could I go ahead and take my life and have my family rocked by suicide a second time? I couldn’t, and I didn’t but I wanted to and I fantasized about almost everyday. In essence I didn’t want to die, I wanted to not hurt. I wanted my appetite back, I wanted to enjoy the sunshine again, I wanted relief from my brain that would never stop running at full speed. I wanted life and certainly not death.

I consider myself extremely strong now, and I know there is nothing put before me that I can’t handle. If you or someone you know is going through this very cruel illness please reach out to that person or find that person help.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

Suicide Prevention for American Students:


Suicide Forum:

The depression Forum:

talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.

21 Responses to “The Suicidal Mind”

  1. Jeff Nguyen September 26, 2013 at 7:41 PM #

    Knowledge is power, in this case transformative and life-saving power.

  2. mstoogood4yall September 26, 2013 at 7:53 PM #

    Thanks jesus for being strong and putting yourself out there people deal with things and hide it. I used to wonder how a funny man like jim carey could be dealing with depression, but then I realized people can hide it they know how to act fine so others can’t see and that is why we are shocked when a celeb or somebody who we think has it all takes their own life. I don’t deal with depression so idk what that’s like, but I do know what its like to be an introvert. I’m fascinated by paranormal stuff, I do think there is an afterlife but instead of a body its ur spirt ,ur emotions that remain. I’ve had some paranormal things happen but that’s another story.

    • hunglikejesus September 26, 2013 at 7:57 PM #

      You’re welcome sis.

      It’s really the best thing I could do was talk about it. I still talk about it all the time, to whoever will listen.

      The paranormal is another passion of mine. All things paranormal. The strange thing is that the paranormal choose me.

  3. diaryofanegress September 26, 2013 at 8:02 PM #

    Depression is something I struggled with for a long time. The Most High pulled me through it.

    Thanks, Jesus for helping us see the light.

    • hunglikejesus September 26, 2013 at 8:06 PM #

      The child Jesus is here to his flock get to the top of the mountain. LOL!!

      You are so welcome sis, depression ain’t no joke and if you let it it will drag you deeper and deeper into the abyss. Let’s talk to younger people about it as well. I can’t imagine living as a teen and young adult in this time.

      Glad you stopped by Sista.

  4. mary burrell September 26, 2013 at 8:39 PM #

    I been there too my brother, But prayer and divine intervention brought me through this dark journey. Depression is like a cancer, that is true. I am glad that you share with us.

    • hunglikejesus September 27, 2013 at 8:09 AM #

      Thank you Ms. Mary for telling me that, the line is long with people that suffer from this demon’s wrath. It is for sure a life stealer and take very few prisoners. I hope that you continue to recover and even grow in the wake of this lightless foe.

      Thank you for your support Ms. Mary.

  5. mary burrell September 26, 2013 at 9:15 PM #

    Yes, knowledge is power, everyone, especially in the black community needs to be educated about mental illness. We need to stop being ashamed and learn how this disease affects our people. And know when someone is hurting it is real.

    • hunglikejesus September 27, 2013 at 8:15 AM #

      I have often said that until the Black folk of this country get help for our mental illness we can forget about any real progress and that is the bottom line to that. Are illness manifest in a number of different ways and most or on public display. We are in affect functioning alongside insanity. Just look at some of the things we do. The next time you go out look at a Black person doing something that makes no sense then tag it insanity, you’ll see what I mean.

  6. k September 27, 2013 at 7:33 AM #

    Yes self destruction is prevalent is almost all humans at one time or another. One solution is to enact a selfless stance of putting oneself into the shoes of another who has a terminal outcome (who wants, wishes and will do anything for a prolonged life)

    • hunglikejesus September 27, 2013 at 8:22 AM #

      Self preservation I think is more prevalent than self destruction which is why there are so many attempts compared to the number actual “successes”. But you are correct, stepping into one’s shoe will offer a new perspective on the suffering one goes through. However, it is almost impossible for a person to feel the depths that a sufferer feel all the time. How your emotions wear you out when turned on wide open 24 hours day. There is NO rest from your mind, and the torture is sharp and exact.

      Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate your input.

  7. Thelibertylamp September 27, 2013 at 1:08 PM #

    I lost many good people this way though out the years. People always says stupid shit like “they were weak” or “they copped out” I say people say that because they feel inside they might have been able to stop it and they are covering up their feelings of guilt.

    I don’t think either is true, I just think sometimes people do what they do, even if we wish with all our heart they didn’t.

    I don’t think they are coping out, but I think they are wrong.

    So many levels to these situations, so much judgement not enough understanding.

    • hunglikejesus September 27, 2013 at 6:55 PM #

      Taking ones own life is anything but weak. It’s a way out for people who see no other way out. Suicide goes against everything human and the built in mechanism of self preservation. I’m fact, it’s the bravest thing anybody could every do in this life. I’m not advocating suicide by no means. You know in some societies suicide is the honorable thing to do, but under different circumstances of course. When I was in throes of and being absolutely ravaged by depression you could have told me I just won 400 million dollars and it would have meant nothing.

      This is a mental illness and because it’s mental and the sufferers can still manage to get up and go out it’s not seen as a “real” disease. We are seen as lazy or some such thing.

      Thank you for stopping by TLL, and thank you for your support.

  8. mary burrell September 28, 2013 at 3:33 PM #

    In the photos your head is down, that just adds to your aura of mystery. But I just wanted let you know from what I can see in the profile of your photograph, you are very handsome.

    • hunglikejesus September 28, 2013 at 3:52 PM #

      Haha thank you Ms. Mary you are sweet one. I shall dance at your wedding.

      Seriously, thank you for support, it has had a tremendous effect on me.

  9. No Black Pete September 29, 2013 at 6:29 AM #

    “The quiet one. You tell your story, I will tell mine. The two may never intertwine. You go ahead my Son.
    The silent one.You know your story well. Mine still represents hell. Well hell but I’ma tell. You to go ahead my Sun.”

    I have no suicidal mind. Even though I live in a society that advertises it, and some demons are all about it. I recognized it for what it is. An idea. And to get it out of my system, and keep it out. I cannot risk the needle getting stuck on that belief. Life simply is not that bad for me. Besides, I have work to do. To forfeit is to just get sent back to do it again, so might as well use this life and get to it. Have the courage to wade through the water, recognizing it for what it is. I can do it because… I have no suicidal mind.

    Your story and mind have been much appreciated. We should work together some time. 😉 Peace.

    • hunglikejesus September 29, 2013 at 5:54 PM #

      Well. That was unexpected and well received. Your words hit the spot where words of such should hit. They kinda made me feel like I had a kindred spirit, but not completely. I’m glad you don’t have my same struggles.

      I believe as well that if a person ends his/her time here when one can no longer handle it, one will just get turned back around to do it all again. No easy outs.

      I love to work with you on something so you let me know and I’m there.

      Thank you so much for your support Sista.

  10. InnerStanding Isness October 1, 2013 at 7:57 PM #

    Reblogged this on InnerStanding Isness.

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